Trigger Warning // mental health, depression, self-harm/suicide, and substance abuse.
Today, I want to share with you the best investment that I decided to make in my life. The investment I made in me. Since the end of May, I’ve been on a journey piecing my puzzle back together. It was not a decision I took lightly and required great sacrifice along the way.
I’ve struggled with how to best share this story. On one hand, I don’t want this series to be me trauma dumping my life on you, but many of these situations require some context. On the other hand, I believe there’s a lot of value others can gain from hearing about the journey I’ve been on these last few months. There’s a lot of stigma to combat, and one of the best ways to do that is by sharing our success stories.
So, rather than dwelling on the details of the past, I want to highlight the amazing and hard work I’ve been doing and the growth I’ve seen. I write not for your sympathy or empathy, but to share my journey in the hope that it helps encourage someone else to get help before they hit rock bottom or find themselves in a similar place.
Hitting rock bottom…
I can’t talk about the work I’ve been doing without talking about what happened. I’ll try and keep this short.
Early 2021 brought on the start to a major depressive episode that I wouldn’t be able to acknowledge until recently. Since then, there have been a number of life-changing events that worsened my depressive episode, including lingering trauma, the loss of close friends, and multiple near-death experiences. Eventually, everything caught up with me back in May. I was the lowest I had been since college, I questioned everything I knew, and I was burnt out. After 3 years of sobriety and 3 months of healthy moderation, I relapsed. I repeatedly self-harmed and almost took my own life. I needed help, and I wasn’t getting it from talk therapy alone.
After some hard conversations with a few friends and a hard look at my finances, I drained my savings and filed for family medical leave. I did not choose to take this time lightly. I knew it wasn’t a “vacation”. I became my job. For the first time in my life, the only thing I had to worry about was me.
"You know what's great about hitting rock bottom?
There's only one way left to go, and that's up!"
Matthew McConaughey as Buster Moon in Sing (2016)
(Sorry, trying to cut the tension with some light-hearted animated humor...)
What was your time on FMLA like?
FMLA was unlike any time I’ve taken off before. I literally invested my life savings into this, so I only had one shot at it, and it needed to count. It wasn’t like recovering from surgery, and it was no vacation. I went through an intensive outpatient treatment program that was specifically crafted by my care team to target my exact needs. At a minimum, I:
- Continued my weekly talk-therapy sessions with a new therapist
- Continued my weekly nutrition consultations
- Consulted regularly with a Psychiatrist
- Attended weekly SMART Recovery meetings for substance abuse
- Started weekly EMDR sessions (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
- Underwent routine Ketamine Therapy treatments (2x/week at the start, now monthly)
My schedule was packed! I was in some form of therapy 3 or 4 days a week and that doesn’t even consider the time I set aside for further reflection, individual development, and self-care (arguably one of the more important items during this timeframe).
Due to the number of specialists I work with on a regular basis, I need to take extra care to make sure I make the best use of their time and mine. I don’t want to spend countless hours repeating the same details and I wanted to make sure I got the most out of the treatments I was pursuing. For example: my talk-therapist is focused on present-day life events including helping me navigate my neurodivergence; my nutritionist is focused on my diet and nourishment, especially as an athlete; my EMDR specialist was focused on past trauma and pulling me out of the fawn and freeze states.
From my doctors to my friends, I have had an amazing team of women supporting me along the way. (A special shout-out to Tabitha, Bonnie, Wendy, Amy, Rachel, Amanda, Nicole, Sidney, and Vicki - y’all have been wonderful and I appreciate the help, advice, and support you’ve given along the way ❤️.)
What did self-care look like for you during this time?
Self-care took on many forms during this period of time. Every Sunday, I would attend a Queer crafting session where I would work on one of the fiber-art projects that I’m currently in the middle of. This was an excellent way to let my active thought portion of the brain shutdown while background processing occurred. I had a revelation or two during my time crafting on the weekends. I was always quick to note it down, so I didn’t forget it by the time I got home.
Hockey has picked back up again and now that I’m well outside the 12-week recovery mark from surgery, I can play. Initially, I had only planned on joining a single league (our mixed league on Sundays) while I worked on building myself back up to play with the higher level players. After quickly realizing that my skills hadn’t diminished much, I decided to join my B1 team again. So now I’m on the ice 2 days a week at the minimum. Once the kids go back to school this month, I’ll likely step it back up to three again with a Friday noon session.
Lastly, music has played a critical role in my recovery and expressing my creative and emotional energies. I’ve played an instrument on and off since 3rd grade. I started on violin, then viola, and then guitar. Piano always caught my interest, but I didn’t know where to start. Using a newly found superpower of mine, I quickly took to it and managed to come a long way in the last 6 months. Things really took off after a ketamine therapy session back in June and my skills have advanced quickly since.
Why write or talk about this at all? Isn’t your reason for going on leave protected?
Medical leave can vary greatly for anyone who takes it, especially for those who take it for mental health recovery reasons. Our lives are influenced by our experiences and while our problems may be similar, their manifestations seldom are. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for others. It wasn’t until December that I had learned that thoughts of suicidal ideation and planning weren’t normal. I used to think that I didn’t struggle with mental health issues. So I look forward to sharing my journey to acceptance and hope that it inspires someone to recognize and take the time they need for themselves.
I wholeheartedly believe that by openly sharing our journeys, we can better empathize with others. We’re able to see the path that they’ve walked and recognize that it’s unlike our own. We’re able to better understand the differences in our perspective and knowledge of the situations. By sharing these stories, we can challenge misconceptions around practices, as well as combat stigma associated with mental health and its various treatments.
Finally, there’s a lot for people to learn about the process of going on medical leave. It’s not always as easy as it’s made out to be. I thought I covered all my bases, and I was still caught off guard when I was denied unemployment. I later learned this was due to a delay in processing paperwork from my EOR. By the time I received this paperwork, I was already starting to look at returning to work since my funds had run dry.
I hope you stay tuned to learn more about my journey through my recovery over these last few months. If you or someone you know needs help, please seek it out. Preferably sooner than I did. Until next time. ~ Ciao bella!