Trigger Warning // mental health, suicide, loss, and grief.
This will probably be one of the shorter posts in this series. While it’s not something that I actively sought support for during FMLA, loss and grief has been a fairly consistent theme throughout the last few years. From going no-contact with some family members, to saying goodbye to several key relationships in my life, to the death of a chosen family member.
Celeste Roberge - Cairn Rising
AKA The Weight of Grief
July 2021 brought an end to a 2+ year relationship with my first partner who made me feel wanted. I never had to ask for anything, and we went out regularly. Eventually, he moved away for work. We tried keeping things going, but the distance and the pandemic drove us apart. Earlier this year, we finally reconnected. He expressed remorse for the way things ended and took accountability for his part in the matter.
In June 2023, I lost one of the most influential women in my life. Ruby was my closest friend and one of the few members of my chosen family. We had drifted apart for a short period of time, and our relationship strained after I took a second job in 2022. There wasn’t a single thing that happened in my life that she didn’t know about. When news of her passing reached me, I collapsed in grief and disbelief. The space she held in my life remains vacant today. A week later, a partner at the time would attempt suicide. Definitely one of the top 5 worst summers for me… (sorry, there’s that dark humor again…).
Between June and July this year, my family lost 3 of our dogs. My eldest shepherd, Adler, passed away at the peak of my recovery back in June. I wouldn’t be able to grieve his loss until mid-July when I finally got off my antidepressants, and they were fully clear of my system.
There’s a lot more I left out, but I figured I’d spare you the minutiae of family drama and recent events.
What grief taught me about love
Loss seldom comes at an opportune time.
Ruby passed away just as our friendship was starting to rekindle. We had dinner the week before, and I was going to reach out to her about spending time together that weekend. I spent a lot of time regretting not making more time for her. 8 months later, I finally forgave myself and let go of the regret that I held on to. For the first time since she passed, I was able to talk about her without crying or having a meltdown. My memories of her still bring up strong feelings, but they don’t overwhelm me to a point of inoperability.
Adler passed away at the peak of my recovery. By the time I was able to grieve his loss, I could only remember how fortunate we were to have him for the 9 years we did. He was born with a genetic heart condition that we caught at the last moment. I knew he’d live a shorter life, but wasn’t expecting it to be this year or next.
When I was younger, I was taught that when we grieve, we know the love that we felt was real. Whether that grief is for a loved one, a close friend, a pet, or a relationship, we mourn the loss all the same. I was moved by something Benedict Cumberbatch once said.
If we love, we grieve.
That's the deal. That's the pact.
Grief and love are forever intertwined.
Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love.
And like love, grief is non-negotiable.
What love taught me about relationships
Regardless of the relationship dynamic, a healthy, long-term relationship requires more than love and care. It requires active participation and commitment from all parties involved. And I don’t mean commitment in the sense of an “engagement or obligation”, but rather a “dedication to a cause”.
Sometimes, we reach a point in life where we realize that the other party in our relationship does not have the physical, mental, or emotional bandwidth to choose your relationship, even when they love and care about you. As hard as it may be, you may need to accept that despite the love you have for one another. Recognizing this is difficult, but you deserve a relationship built on reciprocity and commitment, regardless of how your relationship is structured.
Without reciprocity, one person takes on more responsibilities in the relationship. This may work for short periods of time, but can quickly lead to burn-out. I saw this manifest in my relationship with Ruby. During my time working a second job, I neglected my part in our relationship. I recognized that, took accountability for neglecting my part, and set out to repair the gap that had grown between us. I’ve also seen this manifest in my relationships with family members who don’t stay in touch as often. An article I read back in May on how ADHD stresses relationships 1 2, described this as a parent-child dynamic. This analogy works out nicely in this case, because while there is often love and care between parents and their children, we know that alone doesn’t necessarily lead to healthy, long-term relationships between them.
Without commitment… well… I think that one’s fairly self-explanatory (and yes, even polyamory and familial relationships require commitment too).
What relationships taught me about accountability
Cherish accountability when it’s given, but don’t expect it.
Whether it’s from a parent, a sibling, or a partner, accountability is hard to come by. There will be moments in life where someone may not take accountability for their actions. At the end of the day, we cannot control their actions. We can communicate the way their actions and behavior makes us feel, but the rest is up to them. While an individual taking responsibility for their actions can help promote the healing process, it is not required for us to heal.
You will need to find ways to heal on your own. It will be harder, but the payoff is worth it. Keep in mind, accountability goes both ways. Taking accountability for one’s actions can show signs of individual growth and honest reflection. I found myself inspired by a quote from Rick Glassman in an interview with Rainn Wilson:
Some things are just that, an insecurity. But some things are valid!
Like, it doesn't matter what people think, just do you... ok,
but if "everybody" thinks this thing about you, take some accountability!
This self-love movement is beautiful and necessary, but not at the expense of growth.
Rick Glassman talking with Rainn Wilson (The Office, Soul Boom) on TYSO
I think a lot of people assume that taking accountability means apologizing or instituting a change, when in many cases it can start as accepting or acknowledging a limitation. By accepting our limitations, we can often surpass them. It may seem a bit oxymoronic at first, but by understanding and accepting our own limitations, we know where we need to ask for help. Doing so helps us identify areas we may want to grow in the future.
My parting advice?
Celebrate your life and those who choose to be an active part of it. Cherish the moments you have together, and don’t just let them pass you by. Take photos! I used to hate having my picture taken, and now I wish Ruby and I took more. Finally, embrace self-love, but not at the expense of growth. Take accountability for your actions when you make a mistake, even if that means accepting or acknowledging a limitation.
Remember, you deserve relationships built on reciprocity and commitment. Until next time. ~ Ciao bella!