Trigger Warning // mental health, depression, self-harm/suicide, and substance abuse.
After 5 months since my last relapse, I figured it was a good time to check in on my recovery. In this post, I wanted to share more about my journey and the challenges I’ve faced along the way, including finding a non-faith based group. Most people refer to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), but don’t understand just how religious (specifically Christian/Catholic) those groups can be. While I’m still quite spiritual, this approach doesn’t work for me and many others.
History of addiction
I started abusing alcohol 20 years ago, and eventually moved onto marijuana. It enabled me to ignore trauma from my childhood, suppress guilt I felt surrounding my parents divorce, and even hide myself from shame instilled by religion. At the time, I didn’t see my use as abuse. To me, I was just enjoying a break from the intensity of reality (a sentiment expressed by many in my group). I even saw its benefits as a social lubricant while partying with some of the folks from the high school hockey team. Places I once felt extremely uncomfortable in, were now accessible to me. This pattern of use would continue well into my college years and even worsen.
In college, I adopted a “you only live once” mentality and enjoyed taking part in a number of substances. It wasn’t until May this year that I would realize just how many I was using during that time. Part of my intake process required me to enumerate every substance I’ve ever used, their frequency of use, and their date of last use. While many stopped at the end of my college career, several continued afterwards and went through periods of abuse and sobriety. Eventually, they became a crutch for the loneliness and depression I was feeling. In 2017, I finally started working with a therapist who helped me begin to address many of the root events that led to my substance abuse. Despite this hard work, my misuse continued.
The early days
In January 2020, I was finally able to admit that I had a problem and started my sobriety. While I saw an issue with my use, many of my closest friends and even my family didn’t. My time in high school taught me how to hide my abuse well. In my first week of being sober, I lapsed twice. It was probably for the better that I didn’t go cold turkey. Doing so after heavy use can lead to many negative health effects. In addition to seeing a problem with my use, I had other motivators that year (including surgery). At the time, I didn’t see the need for a group. Between the religious ties, its shame-based approach, questionable success rate, and obvious limitations, AA was out for me. So I learned to cope with cravings and urges on my own.
Relapse and recovery
In May 2024, my past finally caught up with me. Everything I had been running from, everything I had been suppressing through the use of substances, finally hit. After an argument with an ex, I relapsed and passed out on my picnic table in my yard. The subsequent days would bring about a low I had not experienced since my time in college. I needed help, and my search for a program began that week.
I eventually found SMART, a non-faith based recovery group that addresses the broader issue of addictive behaviors rather than narrowing in on specific substances. While our drugs of choice may vary, the cravings, the urges, our experiences, are all the same. SMART provides several tools that help manage cravings and urges, identify triggers, provide healthy coping strategies, work through irrational thoughts, and even promote changes in our behavior. Finally, SMART recognizes that abstinence isn’t the goal for everyone. Meetings are focused on living a sober life, but abstinence isn’t required for the program.
At first, I was reluctant to go and my first meeting definitely didn’t excite me. The hybrid format had issues, some folks definitely needed their own individual therapy session, and I struggled to see what I had in common with them. My second meeting was when things started to hit home. Little by little, I started to see what I had in common. The way they talked and thought about substances was similar to the way I talked and thought about them. With SMART, I was finally able to identify the triggers that led to patterns of substance abuse. While abstinence isn’t my lifelong goal, I do recognize that I need to be sober for now while I work on better managing my triggers.
Challenges today
Alcohol is everywhere in our culture today, and avoiding it can prove to be difficult, especially at tech companies and startups. Numerous organizations I’ve worked at have had alcohol on tap and available out in the open. When forced to work from these spaces, resisting urges to drink is an active practice that can be exhausting. While I continue to leverage the tools and techniques that I’ve picked up from SMART, it’s not the only tool I’ve been using from my tool belt. Both EMDR and Ketamine therapy have also shown promise in addressing triggers related to substance abuse. Finally, I recognize there’s a lot of trust to rebuild since my relapse. While I’ve learned to show myself a great deal of compassion, you cannot expect others to turn the page so easily.
One day, I hope to be able to enjoy a single drink with friends. But until then, ~ Ciao bella!